[ sidenote ]

Sunday July 16, 2000

Three years ago i started working on this site. Strange, it seems so much longer. I still remember the joy, the fun i had discovering all new things, and using all my old material from artschool. I can truthfully say that it has changed my life profoundly, and will probably continue to do so in future. I've made new friends (right here in Rotterdam), get emails from complete strangers saying they enjoy my site. And i got a job in London at Oven Digital, where i start in four weeks time. It's hard fighting my own insecurity, i feel like they got the wrong person; i just make those silly things, and fail more often than succeed.

I'm not an adventurous person. Quite lazy actually, inert. I have dreamed for the past 10 to 15 years of going away, but that was more out of unhappiness than the urge to discover and explore. And now i get this chance, and it's making me terrified. I try to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with being afraid, that it's very normal. It is a huge step, moving to another country, another job, another place to live. I tell myself it's not that far from Rotterdam, just one hour by plane. I tell myself that i can always come back here, but not for the first 6 months for sure. It is gonna be lonely, but hey, i feel lonely here as well. It's really hard to fight the urge to run away and hide, to sleep and not wake up anymore, to get drunk and forget everything.

But i know it's the right thing to do. I know i'm ready. I very much live by my feelings, and i know this time i can't let the fear get the better of me. It's gonna be difficult, but it's gonna be alright too.

I'm not sure in what form presents will go on. But it's gonna stay here, probably with irregular updates. Some design-changes in the next couple of weeks, i do want to make the older material more accessible.

I usually refrain from these confession-type things. But i just wanted to talk a little. I wish i was more courageous, or just plain happy and optimistic. But maybe that will happen once i get to London, and make myself at home there. Maybe it's too much to expect from myself, to be happy right now, while my world is about to be turned over.

Wish me luck.

[ a little later.. ]

At times i do feel happy and excited about it all, but today simply wasn't like that. Walked around feeling queasy in my stomach all day. Being unhappy in love doesn't help either. Ooh, i'm glad when it's all over and i'm out of here!