I sometimes get this uncontrollable urge to justify myself. Usually i resist that, feeling that this place isn't where i'm supposed to do that. Its a stage, and i'm performing. Sometimes i get tired of that, i want to hide away, crawl back. Sometimes i only want to feel weak, be protected by someone, cry on someone's shoulder, want someone to tell me everything is gonna be allright, someday. Sometimes i just want to get angry, kick someone, smash something. I often think of quitting. But i can't. I probably do this because i feel lonely, and making presents makes it easier to bear, makes me feel i'm in touch. I just got to hold on, try to make sense of it, try to piece everything together. This place is my battleground, these things i make are my weapons, my defense. This place is more real to me than most places outside. I've made it my own. Its not much, but its something. Yuk, now i know why i don't want to write about what i'm doing, it always feels like pretentious shit. Feeling sorry for yourself is so easy. I'm blessed, and all i can do is whine. Lucky for me this is just another day, and tomorrow things will be different, again. I could still change my mind, make another present, or take the day off, save this as a page which didn't make it, like the hundreds of others which didn't make it. But i just want to talk a little, not very coherent, just thoughts going back and forth. I want to feel at ease, comfortable. Hey, i can do what i want here! I don't always have to be at my best. I ate tortilla wraps this evening, with chicken and rocket leaves. I felt lazy, didn't want to cook, so this suited me. I ate watching Star Trek the Next Generation, a nice episode. I liked yesterday's Deep Space Nine-episode better though, a good battle between Sisko's son, as embodied evil and what-her-name-that-female Bajoran as embodied good prophet on the promenade deck. None of them won, the Kaia of Bajor flooded the promenade with some radiation, forcing the spirits to leave the bodies. So the battle still has to be fought. I'll probably watch some tv later, its turned on in the other room, some voices in the background, people asking questions, i haven't really paid attention. Maybe i should check if the X-files are on, but i don't feel like it. Not yet. But i admit, writing about it has made me look at the tv longingly. Ooh, i think i'm gonna watch a little now (and yeah, the X-files are on, even though i haven't foloowed that for years, i can still enjoy that). Byebye!